Return of the Repressed

What a week those of us in the northeast U.S. have experienced. We jumped from 60 to 90 degree weather overnight, rushing to pull out the fans and air conditioners from our storage spaces and basements. Craigslist became a fatal place for prostitutes as well as those engaged to sexually repressed medical students. Simultaneously, low flying planes in D.C. and New York brought back a few bad memories. Did I mention my alma mater, an HBCU, had a campus shooter but fortunately there were no fatalities? Swine flu in Mexico, MRSA on our playgrounds, Staph infections in the Capitol's gym? What's going on in the world?!?!

With all that's happening, I found it difficult not to conjure repressed fears in my daily thoughts. You know how it is, when things are great, you think positively and conversely, when things are bad, instinctively we can begin to wallow in all things gone wrong. I started thinking, am I making the wrong decision about this transplant? Will my sister's help me anyway if they don't truly desire to? Can I push through the pain, the chemo, etc.? And then there's Freud with his useless theories, the more we try to deny who we are, the more we become what we fear. Am I actually a weak person and just faking being a strong woman? I must be if I'm allowing passage for these thoughts!

Well what does Big Sig know anyway? I took a deap breath, got out of bed, went to the bathroom and returned to my covers. I looked up at the ceiling in the darkness and declared, I am making the right decision. I'll be patient and understanding if my sister's decide not to donate their marrow. I mean, it is difficult and painful, and I should be more understanding of their position. What are a few moments of the pain I'll endure for the next 2 months compared to the freedom I'll receive for the rest of my life? I have accomplished so much in my life despite the hurdles and obstacles thrown at me and I'm not going to stop now. It just wouldn't be like me to surrender.

Then guess what? I received a call from Dr. Brodsky today saying in fact, they prefer to use my brother. The counselor was mistaken when insistent on using my half matched half sisters. Yes, the study calls for a half match, but the fact that I have a sibling who is a 100% match will only increase my chances of accepting the marrow. I mean that is just amazing! My brother and I have somewhat of a curious relationship, but in the end, he will always be there for me. He's built like that and he's expressed since day one that he wants to help me. Now my donor situation is resolved.

I want to conclude this post by saying that I know times are rather difficult for everyone out there, but this is when our faith and belief system will be tested beyond measure. Just stick in there and know that things will turn around for the better. Maybe I just feared growing up and becoming a woman of character and strength. A woman that's willing to view things objectively and willing to forgive. Or maybe my fear is trusting my intuition even though it has yet to fail me. Because if Big Sig is what they say he is, then his theory is in fact true and that is what I am becoming.

Thank you reading.

Peace and blessings,

Christina