Bucket List

Today started, what would end up being, a weekend with my family. The fourth of July is my great-grandmothers birthday. She was born July 4, 1900 and turned 109 this year. I'm exhausted at 33 -- so much respect to her. I was around family members all day Sunday but maybe I should've stayed home. I didn't feel completely welcome but I made the best of it. When indulging in a discussion I was asked, with all that I am to endure, how do I stay strong, where do I draw my strength from since it's not from my family? I reflected and realized I don't have a specific source. I do have friends who keep me sane. Some always check in or send little voice notes on the blackberry to keep me smiling. It definitely helps, but I internalize many things. What are my choices? I just don't have the opportunity to be vulnerable. I wish I could but that's not my reality. I would be remiss if I said I don't feel like I need a source. Everyone needs a shoulder to lean or cry on, or maybe its bigger than me and because its not tangible I didn't claim it at that moment. Now I will...Redemption!

Something funny has been developing in my relationships and I wish to share it with you. Whenever I apologize or do something apparently "outside of my character" in recent weeks, instinctively my friends or family label it "Bucket List". For my foreign friends, "Kicking the bucket" is an english idiom that refers to death and dying. Hence a "Bucket List" is something you wish to do before you die.

Let me just say I am 30+ and there comes a time when we need to grow up. Some of us are still in our second childhood yes, but not me. If I do something that I know is wrong, it is my responsibility to apologize. If I misjudged, hurt, ignored, was too impatient or was selfish, trust me I will realize it eventually and apologize. I am not perfect however, but shouldn't we all aspire to be? My point is: Can I just be maturing into a good person? Why does it have to be my "bucket list"? Jay-z said it best, "This ain't a movie dog!"

I just think it's insanely funny that people wait until death is knocking at their door to resolve things in their lives. I may be having a bone marrow transplant but death is not imminent. You may cross the street at 5:00 pm today and get hit by a bus. Will you feel like you lived a happy productive life that will be remembered? Or do you feel your lack of compassion, quest for wealth, or ambitions to achieve or be something that you are not is what will remain of your legacy? These are things that I pray we can all be aware of in our everyday lives.

I wrote down something a decade ago and my mom saved it after all these years. She just gave it to me last month and I find it to be quite apropos for this blog:

To laugh often and much,
to win the respect of intelligent people and
the affection of children,
to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends,
to appreciate beauty,
to find the best in others,
to leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch...
to know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived.
That is to have succeeded! - Emerson


Great, yes? So if I had a bucket list what would it be? Do I have any regrets? I have sat down and thought about things I wish to do once I gain a healthy life. Or things I wish I had been a part of. Some are funny but ALL are true. I hope you enjoy them (or join me for others).

1. Childbirth/Rearing a child
2. I wish I had seen the David LaChappelle exhibit at Monnai de Paris in May
3. Financial Freedom
4. I never aspired to model or act but I wish I had been a part of Lenny Kravitz' "Fly away" video! (Call me Lenny for the comeback video.)
5. Tandem: I will be jumping out of that plane in 2010! Who's with me?
6. Completing a half marathon.
7. Go to Tokyo and Singapore for a shopping trip.
8. Sailing for no less than 3 days.
9. A fine dining cooking class that includes dessert, preferably with a handsome man and a nice glass of perrier (or a skinny girl margarita) on ice. Three turn-ons in one night -- Heaven!
10. Visit New York, Africa and Europe with my nephew. (A place where you'll discover who you really are, A place where we came from and a place where they don't care and still love you.)

What would your list look like? Hopefully things that you can plan for and not things that you could do today but have chosen not to resolve.

Thank you for reading.

Peace and blessings,

Christina