Wolverine

I ask for your forgiveness in advance. I am on a heavy dose of narcotics to sedate me, therefore my words may not read clear. I will try my best.

It's been a fight since Monday but I am hanging in there. Surprisingly, I am doing well. The pain was a bit much for me to manage as an outpatient and it's taken the team at Hopkins about 3 days to get me to this point. I am quite grateful for my progress, however.

I was watching Wolverine again and there is dialogue between Logan and Dr. Carol Frost just before Striker makes Wolverine indestructible. It reads something like this:

Dr. Carol Frost: When it starts, whatever the reason is that you're doing this, focus on that.
Logan: Trust me, I've been through worse.
Dr. Carol Frost: No you haven't.

How apropos. I have never been through anything as bad as this experience. I constantly ask myself why I did this to myself but I just try to focus on my goal. Hopefully Dr. Frost's words will prove to be valuable.

Twas the night before my transplant and I am feeling many things.

Shame, for some of my old behaviors and the ways in which I under represented myself, my family or friendships. "Always do your best," is one of Don Miguel Ruiz' 4 personal agreements and I think my old self rarely did my best. Why? I believe when you grow up sickly, people automatically give you a pass. That or blonde. It's just a theory but something I hope to explore in the coming months. I cannot go forward with a pass. (I cannot believe I'm actually writing it down - now it's official.)

I am also ashamed for going through life so selfishly. People give of themselves through their occupation, community service or within their (nuclear) families daily. After receiving so much from the service of others as a sick individual, I would like to try to be there in the same manner when I return back to life. In the meantime, I'll have to sit back and continue to be the recipient of kind deeds but it doesn't make it any easier. If you're someone that has ever helped me, whether as a nurse or caring agent or just to give me words of encouragement I want to thank you. I don't say it enough and I hope to change that in the future.

Thank you for reading.

Peace and blessings,

Christina