Today is a bad day. I can't imagine it being worse than today. I am full of regrets, sorrow and pity. I cry non-stop for the past 2 hours. Chemo was the past two days and this morning I am fully symptomatic: diarrhea, nausea...my scalp even hurts. The nurse tells me it is a sign that whatever I have left is going to fall out. She informs me of the image recovery center downstairs on level 1 and that the first buzz cut is free. She books me an appt. at 10:45.
I am to go home today but the medical staff forgets to give me a medicine intravenously earlier today. Now my mom and I have to sit until 6 (it takes 4 hours and the doctors didn't decide until 2). All seems better until about 3:30 pm. I've started at least 4 new meds today that include things to help me grow my brother's marrow within my own body and another med that helps me maintain a healthy white blood cell count. I'm so uncomfortable by 6:30 the team suggests I might as well stay an extra evening and begin outpatient Friday. They might as well keep an eye on me. My mom stays until 8:00 pm.
By 8:30 pm I'm all restless legs, body aches, hot skin and scalp, unable to sleep and without a medicine that can cure my ailments -- I'm G.I. Jane in the mirror, I'm incurable, I'm malaise. By 9:30 I call the funniest and most supportive friend I think will be available for a distraction but I get voice mail. By 10:00 I break down with the nurse. I just can't take this anymore and I can't believe what I've done to myself. 12:00 am: 2 back to back Roseanne episodes aren't distracting enough and I'm drowning in self-pity. 12:10 am I walk across the hall to the office to type my frustrations. I don't know if I can survive another day like this...
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